Essay check 141-Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In this modern era, here//THERE is debate about the topic of many manufactured food and drink goods made with a high percentage of sugar, which is associated with many health problem, //sugar products Should increas the value to encourage people consume less Sugar. //A great deal of people argue in its favour of; however, other’s have an opposite view, I completely agree with the prior statement In this essay, I willl highlight the reasons behind my belief and Support them with examples

PRONUNCIATION NEEDS IMPROVEMENT, COMMAS AND PERIODS ARE MISSING, UPPERCASE LETTERS ARE USED IN MIDDLE OF THE SENTENCES

SENTENCES ARE NOT GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT

THESIS STATEMENT IS MISSING (A CORRECTED INTRODUCTION IS WRITTEN AT THE END OF THIS ARTICLE)

There are Several/several //of//NR reasons why I believe That//that to Consume high levels of sugar which Can effect health problem, if they incrase the value of product people will encurage to consume less Sugare. To start with, we Should//should be aware that due to products with high carbohydrate contant, the number of people suffering from diabetes. In addition The number of patients who Suffer from diseases including obesity or high blood presure will drop. If government increse the sweet tax. When they pay is getting high, customers may see other Substitute goods to consume

Anothere fundamental reason is that in our daily life, we tend to consume too much sugar, which actually effect/AFFECTS our well being, a lot of people think that sugar of useful for their health as it provides them with energy, a study conducted by the University of leading show that consume high level of sugar which is bad for human specially oldest people and children as well. For example , a long ago my mother falt sick when she went to the doctor he advice her to give up because she is more likely to get Diabetes in the long term.

In conclusion, sugar effects our life in different ways, we should avoid this problem to maintain our health by looking at the disadvantage of sugar.

NR= means word inside the slashes is not required

Words in bold- spelling is wrong

Sentences in bold and italics- grammatically incorrect

CORRECTED INTRODUCTION (paraphrase+thesis)

In this modern era, there is a debate about the sugar content of the manufactured food and drink goods which is associated with many health problems. Some believe that these products should be made expensive in order to reduce their consumption. I completely agree with this viewpoint because the incidents of diabetes are increasing all over the world and it is considered to be harmful for older people.

FEEDBACK

BAND SCORES

TR= 5.5 (you have answered the question, organised in paras, and given two reasons, but thesis is missing from introduction and conclusion, which constitutes the main part of any essay )

LR= 5 (mainly due to spelling mistakes, the score goes down)

C&C- 5 (used paras to organise info, used linkers, but paras do not follow logical sequence of events)

GRA- 4.5 (most sentences are grammatically incorrect, some of them being extraordinarily long)